Monday, May 08, 2006



Many people have sent heartening comments to me lately- unlike before, when many blogs would go by without a trace of response. So many times I told Angela that no one was checking it out except spammers, and she would say, "Just keep writing. They’re watching and waiting to see how you’ll do. They aren’t sure what to say until they know if you can handle it. There may be a lot of people who are following the story because they’re in the same boat as you." This is the case, and you know, no matter what, I needed to keep a running diary of it all to feel a sense of detachment in a way. It certainly helped.
Now, with 3 weeks left of medication I almost can’t believe that it’s over! I ask myself, isn’t there something more? It’s funny how time is the easiest and hardest thing to pass all at once. It’s harder for us addict types, because, like children and psychopaths, we require instant gratification. We are by definition true hedonists. This is my character; it’s the hand I was dealt. In this habit I have not changed, I can’t, it’s me. Rather, I have become the master of it. Now, instead of indulging cravings with self depreciating experiences, I have learned to embrace it completely and flood myself with kindness. I realize that there are things about myself I cannot change, nor should I want to. I am who I am, and that’s alright with me (and my wife). Armed with fresh conviction, I give it its due. The result is nothing short of a 360 degree full circle back to feeling the feelings that I knew when I was a twenty- one-year-old aspiring art student, full of curiosity, adventure, and love energy. I could say that quite phenomenally I have returned to myself. It is thorough and unilateral in its effect, but the explanation of that will have to wait until it plays out a bit more. I’m really happy that I have been able to help out some people who gained a vision through my experiences. If you only saw ME, that’s ok too. I wanted you to. If you saw me in YOU, then, that’s what this is about.
When I started this treatment, I thought I was purging my body of a virus. I was embarking on a medical process with a whole slew of variables and complications. Well, that is only part of it. What I didn’t know was how that virus, real as it was, symbolized the wayward direction my path had taken all that time ago. In a sense, I have flushed the demons from their hiding places in my secret world. Begone, begone, begone! AHHH, hello darlin’, it’s been a long time.

And now for something apparently different, but ultimately related. Ok, so I’m a retro geek. I even go out of my way to buy outdated cool cassette decks. Angela said; "Cassette tapes are obsolete, right? Nobody makes them." I said; " To me they’re not obsolete." Last year Evan had a bunch of cassette tapes with him on the bus and I asked him what he was doing with those. He said, "I love ‘em." I thought he was bonkers. I have discussions with people often about the analogue/digital sources debate and its relevance, if there is any. But this is where the beauty lies. That we even care about such a thing as 20-40 year old technology and it’s trappings makes us passionate about something. Like Jack Lemmon said so mournfully and desperately in the 1970’s film SAVE THE TIGER, "I just want to be in love with SOMETHING." As I look around at people's general tendencies it is common to see an astonishing trend toward regaining what has been out dated by the new.

There is always the fanatic fringe that clings to the origination of anything. I think it’s more than healthy, it’s who we are, but even more important, we get to pursue our tastes and fulfill our desires. What remains critical is our motives. That determines what the worth of anything is. So, we are not just little babies with big appetites. We are the ETERNAL pilgrims- even if our quest brings us back to the beginning. And the blog goes on.


me said...

Your journal is so good! I'm so glad I found it. Your words reflect (at least for me they do) so many of the things I believe many of us feel but have a hard time expressing for one reason or another.

It's funny how Hep C can throw a ball of confusion at the picture we have of ourselves -- one that's been difficult for most of us to look at, let alone talk about -- and then turn that picture into the masterpiece it's always been.

You are a masterpiece! I can't express how much I appreciate your courage to share your story and treatment journey. You could have done a number of other things with your very creative self (and you did in addition to this journal) but you took time here, and I thank you.

Oscari said...

Sorry to hear about the accident.
Get well soon and come back to write
on Your blog!

kentoid said...


It seems that you had just about finished with one demon, only to have another battle to fight. Very sorry to hear about your motorcycle accident, and very concerned about your state.

kentoid said...

Whoops, I posted prematurely! :-)

Please keep us posted Michael. We're all looking forward to your journals, music, and artistic projects for years to come.